It feels so good to write today. I say this because I have been wanting to write weekly since the new year, and it feels extremely perfect and right when I follow through with taking some time for myself to express-write.
As you know, I have been on a pretty beautiful and gnarly adventure since I’ve started writing. I’ve ran marathons, I’ve expressed love, I’ve had a baby, I disappeared, and now I’m back!
Upon my arrival, I certainly have been on the ends of breakdowns and pure darkness. However, the depths of my soul shake me with the wisdom that this isn’t the end, but only the beginning. I had lost hope with running, lost hope in my work ethic, I had lost hope in becoming a wife and even a good mother. My hormones and mental state had me depressed more than I’ve ever been and it was a pretty gnarly experience to say the least. I was AFRAID.
I was afraid of a lot of things – primarily not wanting to live. Ironically, the fear of feeling like I wanted to die (or the fear of the fact that I might be suicidal if you will) in fact gave me hope. I knew I did not want to feel this way. As insignificant as I felt, I also knew in my heart that I have SO MUCH to live for, and it starts BEFORE my daughter. I have myself to live for and that is enough!! I reached out to my philosophy professor at the time to enlighten her on the things I was experiencing, she gave me some great insight, and I had a will to move on with life and not just exist…but LIVE.
Wow Chelsea, you sound a lot like me in grad school. I had a whole set of beliefs, but had been evolving for a few years prior to that. It was just the last step for me. I am still a very spiritual person, so if that is your concern, it IS possible, just accept that some of your beliefs are not rational and that’s okay. What exactly is giving you trouble? This is called an existential crisis, btw. Only the most rational people have them, if that’s any consolation.
This is what my professor sent to me after I exclaimed to her that I was having the hardest time understanding life itself, wondering if souls really exist, and if they don’t, does that mean we are insignificant? I was so broken and beat, I started letting dead philosophers decipher what my beliefs were regarding our soul and purposes.
Low and behold, this email she sent back reinstated my OKAYness, and I truly felt that my beliefs were OKAY. I prayed, I meditated, and I planted my belief of the Higher Power (The Universe, The Almighty, Holy Energy, etc.) into my heart, and created a mission to act of this love I know to be of the All High and keep creating from there on forward.
I need to grow. I need to evolve! I knew the next couple of months were going to be raw and rough, for I know am looking at the Universe with new eyes and feeling with a new heart. I plan to love in such a way no conditions are EVER present, and this is actually new for me. Everything I thought I knew before was all premature. It has all been selfish, and I am ready to have such an amazing breakthrough, I will have goosebumps every single say while the Universe wisps its wind around me whispering “You’re here.” This is my year! This is my life!
It means more than anything I love to be balanced, Zen, of light and love at all times to ensure I can pour my fullness onto the ones I love the most, and even the ones I don’t. It is important because now I can promise peace and sincerity. I am in love with life, and I had to be dragged through absolute darkness to prevail.
I encourage all who reads my blogs to reach out to me, I would love to shed light and love onto anyone who is in need. I have an urge to love onto those who accept love in their lives.