It has literally been 26 months since my last blog.
The last blog I wrote was about my experience birthing my baby. Ever since then I haven’t quite been the same. Neither good or bad, I am just different.
Over the last few years I have had extremely great things happen to me, some very weird things, and some not so good whatsoever. How I feel about 2017 though, doesn’t reflect the type of year it was. 2016 was almost perfect. I was promoted twice, I lost a ton of weight, I got back into running, my daughter was in her most adorable stage of life. However, alongside those instances, lied a group of negative instances that truly balanced out the year, yet I think I paid for them in 2017. I am not too sure any karmic action had anything to do with it, or if it is just the wavelength I needed to ride in order for me to truly grow.
It is now 2018 and I ask myself, “Where the fuck had the time gone?” Just two months ago, I had my first, and very real, identity crisis. You know, my whole life I knew that there was something special about me, when I realized I am ME. I look in the mirror, and that’s ME. I am a being on earth just like anyone else, and we are all special! But this moment I had in my dark bedroom, alone albeit my soon-to-be two year old, wasn’t very exciting or reassuring, and it for SURE never brought me the same sense of solidarity. I felt alone. I felt weak. I felt unwilling. I kept asking myself in silent sobs to myself, “WHO AM I?”
I felt like I needed to soul search and delve deep into myself hard-core in order to not want to die. And that is the truth. I was awakened, learning the physicality and science behind our soul not being a “real, physical thing” is in fact a real thing, and that broke me. Without my soul, who am I?
I had to ask myself this question over and over again in order to realize the question itself was silly. I have to have a soul. I truly, innately, believe that we have souls. And this is why.
For two months I bled. I bled as if I had a two-month long menstruation cycle. it SUCKED. My hormone levels were so out of whack, it drove me into depression, which I believe led to my identity crisis (on top of what I was learning in that class). I ended up having a cyst on my cervix.
It took a handful of fights within my relationship, it took feeling the LONELIEST, and it took me feeling hopeless to realize I needed something more to believe in. Once I made up my mind that I believe I have a soul, I felt like I had power. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. I wanted to feel like myself again!!
I started running again after not for close to six months. I started relaxing more, not minding more, and I started truly taking care of myself. My soul was charged and my body followed. Turns out my body rid itself of the cyst with the help of birth control (to balance out my physical hormones), and I am starting to feel on top of the world.
Now, we can argue that I feel better because of the birth control, and that would be a great argument. However, without my willingness to change or to feel better, I refuse to believe hormones alone pulled me out of my darkness.
So who am I?
I am not a manager. I am not a girlfriend. I am not a mother. I am a soulful being, whose interest lies in paths that continue to water my seeds and allows me to grow. I am a being in search of abundance who dreams of living in peace. I am on my way, awaiting to break free out of my cocoon.