centeryoursoul

Good day to whom this writing will connect to, or to whoever needs it.

I am not here to complain over the internet or to sore ears for I am extremely close to God and speak with The Spirit day and night for peace.

I am here to spread awareness and for the sole reason for my voice to be heard. Miscarriages are way more common than people know, and I find it extremely important to share wisdom and like instances to allow women to feel connected and not alone.

Of course the fathers of the babies lost deal with the grief as well. Yet I am here from my point of view and my experience, because I lost my baby from my body and felt the pain.

I was pregnant from March 2020 until July 10, 2020. On the evening of July 10th at 4:06 pm, I endured and experienced the roughest and realest pain that I have ever been through in my 28 years of life. I experienced live labor and childbirth at only 15 weeks and five days into my pregnancy.

Lounging around my house with my daughter, Zoe, I began to feel excruciating pain in the lowest part of my abdomen. On a scale from 1-10, the pain was almost at a 20. I felt like my bladder, uterus, cesarean scar, anything I could think of, was ripping out of my body unnaturally. I was screaming, yelling, and my daughter was so confused. I called my husband, Jamall, and the result of the phone call was him hearing me scream on the phone so he called the nearest fire department to where I live.

My five-year-old was witnessing my screams, watching me crawl around, and was bringing me pillows to place under my body when crawling began to overwhelm me. She did everything in her power to help her mommy. This pain was extreme, and she was traumatized.

About 24 minutes of these contractions and screams, I had a strong urge to use the bathroom. What happened next was incomprehensible. I delivered my baby boy in the toilet. “Is he really dead?” “Should I do CPR?” are some of the questions my brain signaled quickly when I saw his little body in the water. I grabbed him out with my hand as my motherly instincts were on overdrive. I held his six inch body in the palm of my hand.

In came the fire department and I quickly explained what had happened three minutes before they arrived. At this point, I had no idea where Zoe was. All I could fathom was that I was still in agonizing contracting pain even though my baby had already came out.

I felt my baby move in my womb the day prior, and heard his heart beat two days before that. My entire pregnancy leading up to this horrifying moment was honestly really shitty, I was vomiting hour after hour unless I had a specific medication that I would throw-up sometimes, too. Yet, you never think that something like this could happen to you.

When I held his little body, my mind exploded and my heart shattered like glass. I felt like I was in a nightmare or lucid dream. He had little toes and knees, and was forming into a real baby. Why, God? My little son, my angel, Hendrix Barnett Daily.

I continued to contract for three hours after I delivered. The fire department quickly assessed me, had my daughter far away from me, until a close girlfriend of mine showed up out of the blue all because I called her when I was first in pain thinking I was being affected by a UTI. She held my daughter while I could barely bare a look toward their way. The fire department took me to Long Beach Memorial. This is where a 15 minute drive felt like a lifetime; why was I still in so much pain?

I reach the hospital still contracting about every 30-45 seconds. The nurses gave me about three doses of morphine and some other drugs within the three hours that I was in the hospital bed for. Absolutely nothing helped. I was standing in the bed, turning around, screaming, about ready to set the ER on fire. At about 7:30pm I pushed one more time and out came my placenta. A rush of endorphins, serotonin, and all of the good chemicals in our brains overcame my mind and body. It was over. I told the doctor that gave me condolences for my loss, “shit happens.” I was not myself. I was not myself for about 2 weeks after this trauma.

There were quite a few instances that happened leading up to this experience that could have been the cause, but I’ll leave the answers to myself and up to whomever is reading this to reach out and ask me questions.

Yet here I stand, more confident than ever in the other side of darkness. I believe in rainbows after the storm. I believe that Hendrix was sent from my Ancestors for a karmic lesson only meant for me to learn. I believe he had the hardest job of all, hearing my heart beat and having to die. I believe in green grass where you water it, and I am ever so grateful for my son teaching me how short life really could be. I choose to water my grass, love myself and my loved ones extra these days. I love life.

Please reach out, you’re not alone. I am here for you.

To not have written publicly in a year and just years before that..

I almost feel like this is another redemption post!

You guys, becoming a mother and maneuvering through your early twenties all at the same time is the most confusing time ever.

When I first started my journey of becoming whole and balanced along with filling my soul up with ideas, lessons, love, things, etc. that truly ignites my spirit, I had no idea the shapes and forms each would present themselves. I thought I knew myself. I thought, “Yes! I can see my future loud and clear!”, just to be certain that after a few years of hardships, I had absolutely no clue of who I was at all. I understand I gave a little taste last summer with one of my writings, however my soul and vision were both still so misty.

When I wrote to you all about my existential crisis (yes, sounds dramatic, I know), I was coming out of a very dark place. It was darker than foggy and misty. I am grateful to have overcome that. You know, 2018 seems so far away considering 2020 is about three months away…

Not only have I had to cut ancestral ties by cutting relationships with blood relatives, I’ve had to cut ties with some aspects of my own personality and toxicity in order to grow. I also have opened up my wounds to the closest people to me, told secrets I’d never thought I’d admit, and have done some immense internal work to allow my brain and heart to relax a little more.

You guys, you must be brutally honest with yourself and be willing to look at your demons and skeletons dead in the eye if you have the need to grow. Feeling held back, angry all the time, not sexually inclined ever, have insane trust issues, they’re all little tiny secrets of trauma waiting to be let out.

I have trauma that dates back to being born, all the way to my high school days. I needed healing. Unleashing the beasts can be scary! I did not do it alone.

I had someone help me spiritually. I received Reiki treatment twice, just to delve into what I need to look square into. I went into it guarded but knowing I needed help. The second round of treatment I encountered, I felt like her and I accomplished so much work to where I finally started to obtain PEACE.

I also had a ton of help from my partner, best friends, and mom. Being able to confide in people who truly do not feel biased, who will support and help you let go all the ugliness your past can hold, will mean the world to you. If you feel like this cannot apply and you feel crazily alone, you have me. Reach out!

Working out the pretzels in my chest and head was exhausting. My periods got worse, I had insomnia spells and sleeping spells, I felt confused. Yet all at the same time I felt ounces of relief little by little. The pain was leaving my body through months over time. It still is not easy.

My favorite part of these secrets is that within them, my life started clicking and making more and more sense; “oh, that’s why I am the way I am!”, “forgive me, I am cranky because xy&z triggered me.”

I’ve learned how to create boundaries! What takes away from my child takes away from me. I’ve also found and created a new sense of respect and love for myself. If something doesn’t feel right, it does not belong.

Also, for the first time in life, I’ve become so positively sure of WHO I am, WHAT I am, and what/who I aspire to be.

One day I’ll go a little more public about my true traumas. For now, I was just electrocuted with an urge to share a little bit of my healing process with you all and if anyone is going through a hard time, I can be an ear. I’ve filled myself up so much, I can pour a little out for you.

 

Xo,

cmd

It has been a long while since I’ve mustered up some courage to sit with myself and write it all out.
As with any human being that’s evolving, I’ve been on some really euphoric natural highs as well as some pretty deep lows. My lows include not feeling good enough, trust issues, feeling left out, not feeling like a good enough mom, not feeling worthy of the love that I am totally worthy of, etc. My highs have included relieving myself from a stressful job that I hated to love, training for another marathon again (yay!) WITH MY MOM, having late nights and early mornings and allowing myself to nap all day after my duties are done if I need to, growing in all aspects and relationships that I hold close to my heart, figuring out what I want to do with my life, cutting toxic family members out of my life, etc. Almost every day is a battle to choose to have the best day yet; which isn’t a bad battle to have. A wonderful woman practiced a reiki treatment with a massage on me on my 26th birthday a few months ago. I really believe it changed my life. I’ve cut ties (ancestrally) with someone who was close to my heart my whole life, yet is also someone who led me down a road filled with disappointment and lack of love. This reiki treatment, I believe, led me to a really vulnerable and ugly but beautiful place for a little while, and led me to my true self and showed me what I needed to to in order to grow and blossom into my truest and most beautiful self in order to live my absolute best life. This person is my biological father – I chose to change my last name to my step-father’s. It’s all about letting go. The second half of 2018 is teaching me that this practice is going to the the hardest, but the most rewarding. In order for us as humans to propel forward we must let go of anything negative and lingering that no longer serves us. So, practicing this with someone who I thought I was going to keep in my life forever, was pretty emotional for me. It is also very strengthening. It helps me let go of day to day situations that do not serve me positivity. Of course I still feel in my wits when I don’t receive attention back from people who I reach out to, or when my boyfriend and I are on the ends and are talking about breaking up because of all of our fights, or when my daughter and I don’t get along. However, letting go of the way it makes me FEEL after I’ve explored all the feelings on top of asking myself “why does this hurt my feelings?”, seems to be the healthiest thing for my mentality and I challenge anyone reading this to practice it. Let it go. Explore, then release. Try to not let the guilt serve you. It’s nonexistent! It’s only in your head. You’re worthy of the love and you’re worthy of this beautiful life. L E T I T G O . Xo,cmb

Hey guys!

It feels so good to write today. I say this because I have been wanting to write weekly since the new year, and it feels extremely perfect and right when I follow through with taking some time for myself to express-write.

As you know, I have been on a pretty beautiful and gnarly adventure since I’ve started writing. I’ve ran marathons, I’ve expressed love, I’ve had a baby, I disappeared, and now I’m back!

Upon my arrival, I certainly have been on the ends of breakdowns and pure darkness. However, the depths of my soul shake me with the wisdom that this isn’t the end, but only the beginning. I had lost hope with running, lost hope in my work ethic, I had lost hope in becoming a wife and even a good mother. My hormones and mental state had me depressed more than I’ve ever been and it was a pretty gnarly experience to say the least. I was AFRAID.

I was afraid of a lot of things – primarily not wanting to live. Ironically, the fear of feeling like I wanted to die (or the fear of the fact that I might be suicidal if you will) in fact gave me hope. I knew I did not want to feel this way. As insignificant as I felt, I also knew in my heart that I have SO MUCH to live for, and it starts BEFORE my daughter. I have myself to live for and that is enough!! I reached out to my philosophy professor at the time to enlighten her on the things I was experiencing, she gave me some great insight, and I had a will to move on with life and not just exist…but LIVE.

Wow Chelsea, you sound a lot like me in grad school. I had a whole set of beliefs, but had been evolving for a few years prior to that. It was just the last step for me. I am still a very spiritual person, so if that is your concern, it IS possible, just accept that some of your beliefs are not rational and that’s okay. What exactly is giving you trouble? This is called an existential crisis, btw. Only the most rational people have them, if that’s any consolation.

This is what my professor sent to me after I exclaimed to her that I was having the hardest time understanding life itself, wondering if souls really exist, and if they don’t, does that mean we are insignificant? I was so broken and beat, I started letting dead philosophers decipher what my beliefs were regarding our soul and purposes.

Low and behold, this email she sent back reinstated my OKAYness, and I truly felt that my beliefs were OKAY. I prayed, I meditated, and I planted my belief of the Higher Power (The Universe, The Almighty, Holy Energy, etc.) into my heart, and created a mission to act of this love I know to be of the All High and keep creating from there on forward.

I need to grow. I need to evolve! I knew the next couple of months were going to be raw and rough, for I know am looking at the Universe with new eyes and feeling with a new heart. I plan to love in such a way no conditions are EVER present, and this is actually new for me. Everything I thought I knew before was all premature. It has all been selfish, and I am ready to have such an amazing breakthrough, I will have goosebumps every single say while the Universe wisps its wind around me whispering “You’re here.” This is my year! This is my life!

It means more than anything I love to be balanced, Zen, of light and love at all times to ensure I can pour my fullness onto the ones I love the most, and even the ones I don’t. It is important because now I can promise peace and sincerity. I am in love with life, and I had to be dragged through absolute darkness to prevail.

 

I encourage all who reads my blogs to reach out to me, I would love to shed light and love onto anyone who is in need. I have an urge to love onto those who accept love in their lives.

Namaste.

 

Xo

Ahh…

It has literally been 26 months since my last blog.

The last blog I wrote was about my experience birthing my baby. Ever since then I haven’t quite been the same. Neither good or bad, I am just different.

Over the last few years I have had extremely great things happen to me, some very weird things, and some not so good whatsoever. How I feel about 2017 though, doesn’t reflect the type of year it was. 2016 was almost perfect. I was promoted twice, I lost a ton of weight, I got back into running, my daughter was in her most adorable stage of life. However, alongside those instances, lied a group of negative instances that truly balanced out the year, yet I think I paid for them in 2017. I am not too sure any karmic action had anything to do with it, or if it is just the wavelength I needed to ride in order for me to truly grow.

It is now 2018 and I ask myself, “Where the fuck had the time gone?” Just two months ago, I had my first, and very real, identity crisis. You know, my whole life I knew that there was something special about me, when I realized I am ME. I look in the mirror, and that’s ME. I am a being on earth just like anyone else, and we are all special! But this moment I had in my dark bedroom, alone albeit my soon-to-be two year old, wasn’t very exciting or reassuring, and it for SURE never brought me the same sense of solidarity. I felt alone. I felt weak. I felt unwilling. I kept asking myself in silent sobs to myself, “WHO AM I?”

I felt like I needed to soul search and delve deep into myself hard-core in order to not want to die. And that is the truth. I was awakened, learning the physicality and science behind our soul not being a “real, physical thing” is in fact a real thing, and that broke me. Without my soul, who am I?

I had to ask myself this question over and over again in order to realize the question itself was silly. I have to have a soul. I truly, innately, believe that we have souls. And this is why.

For two months I bled. I bled as if I had a two-month long menstruation cycle. it SUCKED. My hormone levels were so out of whack, it drove me into  depression, which I believe led to my identity crisis (on top of what I was learning in that class). I ended up having a cyst on my cervix.

It took a handful of fights within my relationship, it took feeling the LONELIEST, and it took me feeling hopeless to realize I needed something more to believe in. Once I made up my mind that I believe I have a soul, I felt like I had power. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. I wanted to feel like myself again!!

I started running again after not for close to six months. I started relaxing more, not minding more, and I started truly taking care of myself. My soul was charged and my body followed. Turns out my body rid itself of the cyst with the help of birth control (to balance out my physical hormones), and I am starting to feel on top of the world.

Now, we can argue that I feel better because of the birth control, and that would be a great argument. However, without my willingness to change or to feel better, I refuse to believe hormones alone pulled me out of my darkness.

So who am I?

I am not a manager. I am not a girlfriend. I am not a mother. I am a soulful being, whose interest lies in paths that continue to water my seeds and allows me to grow. I am a being in search of abundance who dreams of living in peace. I am on my way, awaiting to break free out of my cocoon.

 

It’s been a long nine months…

However, the ending of it kind of just flashed before my eyes. Now my eyes are set on a beautiful baby girl, and my life has changed.

I paused my blogging about 8 months ago, when I first was pregnant. It was unintentional, I just didn’t feel good physically for a while. I also had paused school – night classes were not the most fun with night sickness. Don’t get me wrong though, I thought about my blog daily…sometimes more than once. I just never took the time to write out my days and thoughts – although it would’ve been more than good for me – and probably blamed it on hormones.

What was great about the whole experience of finding out that I was pregnant, was knowing my best friend was pregnant too. Both of us had unexpected news, but the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

Pregnancy was interesting. It started off with a lot of mixed emotions and random sickness, so it was a nice transition to feel blissful tummy growing and the feeling of flutters inside of it that didn’t belong to me – but belonged to beautiful innocence. It wasn’t long into the pregnancy that I fell in love. Already it was a different kind of love. I had no idea what this new human looked like, all I knew was the feeling of its spirit. I felt urges of consciousness throughout my body. I had a better understanding of right from wrong, a more direct sense of self, something I had no idea I lacked so much still (even after practicing meditation, writing, and running so much).

A fond memory I have of the pregnancy was finding out the sex. A lot of people thought I was having a boy – or hoping so, like my boyfriend/baby’s father. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want a boy too, however my heart thought differently.

We had the whole gang together ready to find out what gender this baby was! There was so much love! Even my pregnant best friend was present, and she was the one who was scanning my pelvis to bless us with the news. The news presented to us was that our angel was in fact a girl…my eyes filled with water, my heart tightened with love, and my mind eased because, well, I think I knew all along I was having a girl.

We decided to name her Zoe Ryan-Marie Daily. Her daddy picked out the first name, and I put together her middle name. Ryan is the name of a close family friend who was like a cousin to me, that passed away when I was 17. We hyphenated Marie, because that middle name belongs to my mom, Jamall’s mom, and myself. We later discovered that her first name actually means LIFE in Greek. Little did I know she was really going to live up to that name…

Later on in the pregnancy my patience was running short, my tolerance was lower, and man oh man my hormones were through the roof! I couldn’t wait to meet this little angel who’s been growing inside of me, letting me create her, and love her in ways some people can never experience.

The night before Zoe was to come, I slept for maybe three hours. The way I felt was different than anxiety…it kind of kept me in the moment. I was tracking every thought, and almost every thought was probably disbelief what was about to happen. It almost felt like a normal day, but with an odd vibration to it.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the hospital bed with Jamall right next to me – he didn’t leave my side the whole experience. Time felt like it was going incredibly slow, but at the same time I am sitting here five days later wondering where time has went.

The nurses that took care of me before and during the operation were amazing. They spoke to me while I was getting numbed, when the numbness made me vomit with my oxygen mask on, and when the doctors started to cut me all open like a lab experiment – fun times.

The one that really had their eyes and heart on me though, was Jamall. He was sitting right next to my head, keeping his eyes locked in mine while I felt the tugging and pressing in my upper stomach to push the baby out of the incision. And those moments felt like a lifetime. I knew what was happening with every tug, yet I couldn’t grasp it. I was confused all of a sudden why we were there. Then we hear “Welcome Zoe.”

Jamall looked over the short curtain instantly, then right back at me. I probably said something to him in disbelief, but I can’t remember. I hear her cry. I hear Jamall tell me: “Baby, she has black hair.” My heart is full. This isn’t real.

I look anxiously at the table they brought my daughter to clean her off at, and I see her leg. This isn’t real. I ask Jamall  multiple times if this was real, and all I could hear come form him were little noises of amazement and “Oh my god.” He was in love. And me, I’m crying so hard the doctor couldn’t finish stitching me up until I calmed myself down. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. The room was practically spinning, and the only thing I now had focus on was this beautiful baby girl that was on my chest feeling my first kisses on her cheek. I was dying that I couldn’t move my arms to hold her.

This. Isn’t. Real.

I have a baby…I never thought my heart could physically feel so full. I feel love for her on levels in my body, mind, and spirit that I never knew could exist. And for that, I promise her my absolute protection, my unconditional love, and my undivided attention. I want my eyes always to be looking at her, I want my ears to always be listening to her, and my heart to always be beating for her. I love you, my Zoe.

I couldn’t have had a baby with anyone greater, either. Not only does he love me beyond any condition, he loves our daughter more than the heart can feel. He’s here. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – he’s here. For me. For us. I love my little family.

A day later, my best friend has her baby boy, also healthy and ready to be welcomed to the world with love. My whole heart is full, my world is blessed.

Thank you, Universe, for the blessings and love you continuously give me.

Xo,

cmb

Just Do It.

The past couple weeks, with the week of my marathon included, I’ve been struggling with a bad case of procrastination more so than ever. And honestly you guys, it’s been taking a tole on my spirit. I’ve been sleeping in instead of waking up to workout, I’ve been waiting til last minute to get things done around the house, and honestly I feel like I’ve been neglecting the things that help me stay true to myself.

I have a really loud subconscious that I feel yells at me when I am not fulfilling what I know I really want to fulfill, yet I still decide to ignore it. Sometimes I ignore it by making excuses like, “I’m too tired,” or “I’m too stressed,” knowing damn well I am perfectly healthy and super young. I can do ANYTHING possible in this physical world, yet I choose to sleep an extra two hours instead of being grateful to be awake and alive, and work my body out to a sweat – knowing DAMN WELL I will be feeling so amazing after!! So what gives??

I’m calling all of my fellow procrastinators out there – what are we afraid of? Are we really that afraid of our own potential that we just…don’t do it? I need you all to really ask yourself this question and realize that tiredness is an excuse. Laziness is an excuse. Even not wanting to help someone due to your own agenda is an excuse. Get up, stand up, and JUST DO IT! Whether we think we want to or not. Keep it positive, keep it progressive, and keep it off the couch!!

I will be reminding myself of this daily. An affirmation that keeps me active is telling myself and repeating:  “I am full of energy. I am grateful for life and I believe in myself.”

REMEMBER – YOUR ENERGY IS CONTAGIOUS, AND YOUR ACTIONS ARE OFTEN REPEATED. KEEP THE SMILES ON YOURSELF AND YOUR PEERS, SAY HELLO FIRST, DON’T CUT CORNERS AND KEEP IT HONEST!!!! 

I love you all. And I’m right behind each and every one of you.

Xo,

-cmb

Over the past week in my Personal & Social Development Psychology class, we have been learning the extents of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image. We even watched a movie about this young girl, who was becoming a Super Model for LA Models…at the age of 12.

As a young (human) woman, I can say with complete honesty that I, too, have grown up with self-image and self-esteem issues due to pressure at school, things I saw in magazines, and a distorted self-image. And let me tell you, it’s not fun having a low self-esteem! You legitimately do not like yourself, or the way you look. Now that I’m on my way to being older and more grown, I can’t even fathom how I managed to survive without loving myself. It’s truly a dog-eat-dog world out there…seriously, “cold world no blanket” type of love!

One of the parts of the movie we watched that caught my eye and heart, was when Garren’s mother funded Garren (12 year old, now 15 year old Super Model) to take a trip to Paris, to book new shows and photo shoots. Although she knew the industry pretty well and used to have incredible connections, she had no idea what her self-esteem and self-image was in for.

Garren was a 6 foot tall, thin as ever, beautiful African-American pre-teen. Trust me when I tell you that everything about her was gorgeous. However, the agents in Paris thought otherwise – “We don’t typically book..er..black skin…” said one man. “Oh, you are 96 centimeters around the hip? We need 90 centimeters…we would want you to go on a..how do you say it..diet?” said another woman.

INSTANTLY, I was angered. I get it, the fashion industry has a certain look they go for to create the art they provide us on runways with their high fashion, and in magazines. I GET IT. But to tell a 12 year old girl to diet because you don’t want to pay and sew 6 CENTIMETERS on a few outfits?! The Universe knows how much money this industry pulls on the daily, yet this little girl just got her dreams crushed because she has a SLIGHTLY more curvy hip frame that she stated was “passed down from her mom”. And to what made me even more furious, is the thought of this poor girl putting her health at risk.

What really hurt me was when Garren returned to the states, she became depressed. The beautiful girl who was once filled with confidence and poise and love, didn’t even want to step outside. She called herself ugly, and she even explained how she was going to diet…point blank period. I was so hurt.

This is a message that needs to be spread world wide – ladies, although honest competition is good for the soul, the moment you are in competition with your PERSONALITY or the way you LOOK, you’ve already lost. And this goes for men too. I love working out, I love eating healthy, because it makes me feel good. It did take me a LONG time to get used to the fact that I’m curvy, and not meant to be a skinny girl, but I am okay with that because there’s only ONE ME. I love me.

You guys, please, I really want you to realize and be aware how poorly you speak about yourself. For example, if you had a friend who spoke to you the way you spoke to you, would you still be their friend? Probably not. We want to uplift each other, push each other to greatness, better ourselves!! So why aren’t we doing that for ourselves?! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU ARE IMPORTANT. And do not let anyone take that from you! How dare you take that from yourself. And another thing, do not put your body and health at risk because a certain image you want to portray. Remember, everyone’s lifestyle and body shape is so different. Those girls in the mags don’t even look like the girls in the mags…think about it. 

At the end of the day, what really matters?? A 6-pack? Because as far as I’m concerned, your body decomposes when you die. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for wanting to transform your body…it’s challenging and fun and good for your spirit – but to talk badly about yourself and others along the way isn’t going to get you to your results any quicker. Be kind, please.

I LOVE YOU.

Xo,

cmb

Ahh, the good ole materialism, and the bliss it brings us!

Oh, how I wish I was joking.

This past week, I’ve been dealing with the whole “leasing a car” dilemma. And although (based on my spirituality) it shouldn’t be stressing me out, it really has been. Let me tell you, the car I’ve been setting my sights on is a beautiful and luxurious car. It’s been really easy to fall in love with it.

To give you guys a little background, I haven’t had a car in over a year, due to being young, naive, and moving out..so wanting a car has been more apparent than ever before as of late.

Being that I work in a car dealership, the guys I work with want to see me in this car probably more than I do, so the temptation has been real.. TO SAY THE LEAST! My guys worked for two days with our partnered finance company to get me approved. And the waiting game for this process was so crucial on my immature soul! I have a bad habit of getting my hopes high for things like this, to where all my thoughts are consumed with what I wish to happen (yes, all for a new car). I would go running and all I could think about is driving that beauty. I wouldn’t even be focusing on my run, nor would I be in the moment, and it even resulted in me slightly straining a connective muscle from my knee to my hip.

I didn’t realize at the time that I was so caught up in a possession, that I was risking my mental and physical health.

Well, after long hours at the dealership, I was approved for the car and I was so ecstatic. Yeah, I would be car-broke for a while…along with a 3-year commitment to something that doesn’t even have a heart or a brain.

So…I didn’t sign the agreement. Needless to say the insurance quotes I was given were sky high as well, so that made my decision way easier, yet I was still bummed to say the least. I was hurt because I had been building up so much love and energy for this vehicle, and for the moment of driving it off the lot with a huge smile on my face. I got my hopes up, and I was for sure let down.

However, I learned a HUGE lesson through all this..and gained a new philosophy. I learned to (as I have actually learned before) to keep my expectations at a strong 0, and let the cards fall as they may, especially when it comes to materialistic things (I mean, getting upset over not getting a car, really?! How shallow can I get?). IT CAN ALWAYS BE MUCH WORSE!!! Also, I had a great support system behind me to keep my spirits up and I am forever grateful for that. Things come and go, and I am very proud of myself for being brave enough to jump on that opportunity – I believe a better one will come my way anyway (my best friend reminded me of this).

The philosophy I came up with throughout this process was that, living in this human existence, we are meant to love and play, and not take things seriously. Sincerely, yes – we always want to be real and truthful – but lighthearted nonetheless. I was reminded of my spirituality and my soul because of this event, and I am just so thankful for everything I DO have in my life..and I am still in love with the life I live.

Thank you

Love you all

Xo,

-cmb