Welcome, Zoe.

It’s been a long nine months…

However, the ending of it kind of just flashed before my eyes. Now my eyes are set on a beautiful baby girl, and my life has changed.

I paused my blogging about 8 months ago, when I first was pregnant. It was unintentional, I just didn’t feel good physically for a while. I also had paused school – night classes were not the most fun with night sickness. Don’t get me wrong though, I thought about my blog daily…sometimes more than once. I just never took the time to write out my days and thoughts – although it would’ve been more than good for me – and probably blamed it on hormones.

What was great about the whole experience of finding out that I was pregnant, was knowing my best friend was pregnant too. Both of us had unexpected news, but the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

Pregnancy was interesting. It started off with a lot of mixed emotions and random sickness, so it was a nice transition to feel blissful tummy growing and the feeling of flutters inside of it that didn’t belong to me – but belonged to beautiful innocence. It wasn’t long into the pregnancy that I fell in love. Already it was a different kind of love. I had no idea what this new human looked like, all I knew was the feeling of its spirit. I felt urges of consciousness throughout my body. I had a better understanding of right from wrong, a more direct sense of self, something I had no idea I lacked so much still (even after practicing meditation, writing, and running so much).

A fond memory I have of the pregnancy was finding out the sex. A lot of people thought I was having a boy – or hoping so, like my boyfriend/baby’s father. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want a boy too, however my heart thought differently.

We had the whole gang together ready to find out what gender this baby was! There was so much love! Even my pregnant best friend was present, and she was the one who was scanning my pelvis to bless us with the news. The news presented to us was that our angel was in fact a girl…my eyes filled with water, my heart tightened with love, and my mind eased because, well, I think I knew all along I was having a girl.

We decided to name her Zoe Ryan-Marie Daily. Her daddy picked out the first name, and I put together her middle name. Ryan is the name of a close family friend who was like a cousin to me, that passed away when I was 17. We hyphenated Marie, because that middle name belongs to my mom, Jamall’s mom, and myself. We later discovered that her first name actually means LIFE in Greek. Little did I know she was really going to live up to that name…

Later on in the pregnancy my patience was running short, my tolerance was lower, and man oh man my hormones were through the roof! I couldn’t wait to meet this little angel who’s been growing inside of me, letting me create her, and love her in ways some people can never experience.

The night before Zoe was to come, I slept for maybe three hours. The way I felt was different than anxiety…it kind of kept me in the moment. I was tracking every thought, and almost every thought was probably disbelief what was about to happen. It almost felt like a normal day, but with an odd vibration to it.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the hospital bed with Jamall right next to me – he didn’t leave my side the whole experience. Time felt like it was going incredibly slow, but at the same time I am sitting here five days later wondering where time has went.

The nurses that took care of me before and during the operation were amazing. They spoke to me while I was getting numbed, when the numbness made me vomit with my oxygen mask on, and when the doctors started to cut me all open like a lab experiment – fun times.

The one that really had their eyes and heart on me though, was Jamall. He was sitting right next to my head, keeping his eyes locked in mine while I felt the tugging and pressing in my upper stomach to push the baby out of the incision. And those moments felt like a lifetime. I knew what was happening with every tug, yet I couldn’t grasp it. I was confused all of a sudden why we were there. Then we hear “Welcome Zoe.”

Jamall looked over the short curtain instantly, then right back at me. I probably said something to him in disbelief, but I can’t remember. I hear her cry. I hear Jamall tell me: “Baby, she has black hair.” My heart is full. This isn’t real.

I look anxiously at the table they brought my daughter to clean her off at, and I see her leg. This isn’t real. I ask Jamall  multiple times if this was real, and all I could hear come form him were little noises of amazement and “Oh my god.” He was in love. And me, I’m crying so hard the doctor couldn’t finish stitching me up until I calmed myself down. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. The room was practically spinning, and the only thing I now had focus on was this beautiful baby girl that was on my chest feeling my first kisses on her cheek. I was dying that I couldn’t move my arms to hold her.

This. Isn’t. Real.

I have a baby…I never thought my heart could physically feel so full. I feel love for her on levels in my body, mind, and spirit that I never knew could exist. And for that, I promise her my absolute protection, my unconditional love, and my undivided attention. I want my eyes always to be looking at her, I want my ears to always be listening to her, and my heart to always be beating for her. I love you, my Zoe.

I couldn’t have had a baby with anyone greater, either. Not only does he love me beyond any condition, he loves our daughter more than the heart can feel. He’s here. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – he’s here. For me. For us. I love my little family.

A day later, my best friend has her baby boy, also healthy and ready to be welcomed to the world with love. My whole heart is full, my world is blessed.

Thank you, Universe, for the blessings and love you continuously give me.

Xo,

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Like Nike..

Just Do It.

The past couple weeks, with the week of my marathon included, I’ve been struggling with a bad case of procrastination more so than ever. And honestly you guys, it’s been taking a tole on my spirit. I’ve been sleeping in instead of waking up to workout, I’ve been waiting til last minute to get things done around the house, and honestly I feel like I’ve been neglecting the things that help me stay true to myself.

I have a really loud subconscious that I feel yells at me when I am not fulfilling what I know I really want to fulfill, yet I still decide to ignore it. Sometimes I ignore it by making excuses like, “I’m too tired,” or “I’m too stressed,” knowing damn well I am perfectly healthy and super young. I can do ANYTHING possible in this physical world, yet I choose to sleep an extra two hours instead of being grateful to be awake and alive, and work my body out to a sweat – knowing DAMN WELL I will be feeling so amazing after!! So what gives??

I’m calling all of my fellow procrastinators out there – what are we afraid of? Are we really that afraid of our own potential that we just…don’t do it? I need you all to really ask yourself this question and realize that tiredness is an excuse. Laziness is an excuse. Even not wanting to help someone due to your own agenda is an excuse. Get up, stand up, and JUST DO IT! Whether we think we want to or not. Keep it positive, keep it progressive, and keep it off the couch!!

I will be reminding myself of this daily. An affirmation that keeps me active is telling myself and repeating:  “I am full of energy. I am grateful for life and I believe in myself.”

REMEMBER – YOUR ENERGY IS CONTAGIOUS, AND YOUR ACTIONS ARE OFTEN REPEATED. KEEP THE SMILES ON YOURSELF AND YOUR PEERS, SAY HELLO FIRST, DON’T CUT CORNERS AND KEEP IT HONEST!!!! 

I love you all. And I’m right behind each and every one of you.

Xo,

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Do you like you?

Over the past week in my Personal & Social Development Psychology class, we have been learning the extents of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image. We even watched a movie about this young girl, who was becoming a Super Model for LA Models…at the age of 12.

As a young (human) woman, I can say with complete honesty that I, too, have grown up with self-image and self-esteem issues due to pressure at school, things I saw in magazines, and a distorted self-image. And let me tell you, it’s not fun having a low self-esteem! You legitimately do not like yourself, or the way you look. Now that I’m on my way to being older and more grown, I can’t even fathom how I managed to survive without loving myself. It’s truly a dog-eat-dog world out there…seriously, “cold world no blanket” type of love!

One of the parts of the movie we watched that caught my eye and heart, was when Garren’s mother funded Garren (12 year old, now 15 year old Super Model) to take a trip to Paris, to book new shows and photo shoots. Although she knew the industry pretty well and used to have incredible connections, she had no idea what her self-esteem and self-image was in for.

Garren was a 6 foot tall, thin as ever, beautiful African-American pre-teen. Trust me when I tell you that everything about her was gorgeous. However, the agents in Paris thought otherwise – “We don’t typically book..er..black skin…” said one man. “Oh, you are 96 centimeters around the hip? We need 90 centimeters…we would want you to go on a..how do you say it..diet?” said another woman.

INSTANTLY, I was angered. I get it, the fashion industry has a certain look they go for to create the art they provide us on runways with their high fashion, and in magazines. I GET IT. But to tell a 12 year old girl to diet because you don’t want to pay and sew 6 CENTIMETERS on a few outfits?! The Universe knows how much money this industry pulls on the daily, yet this little girl just got her dreams crushed because she has a SLIGHTLY more curvy hip frame that she stated was “passed down from her mom”. And to what made me even more furious, is the thought of this poor girl putting her health at risk.

What really hurt me was when Garren returned to the states, she became depressed. The beautiful girl who was once filled with confidence and poise and love, didn’t even want to step outside. She called herself ugly, and she even explained how she was going to diet…point blank period. I was so hurt.

This is a message that needs to be spread world wide – ladies, although honest competition is good for the soul, the moment you are in competition with your PERSONALITY or the way you LOOK, you’ve already lost. And this goes for men too. I love working out, I love eating healthy, because it makes me feel good. It did take me a LONG time to get used to the fact that I’m curvy, and not meant to be a skinny girl, but I am okay with that because there’s only ONE ME. I love me.

You guys, please, I really want you to realize and be aware how poorly you speak about yourself. For example, if you had a friend who spoke to you the way you spoke to you, would you still be their friend? Probably not. We want to uplift each other, push each other to greatness, better ourselves!! So why aren’t we doing that for ourselves?! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU ARE IMPORTANT. And do not let anyone take that from you! How dare you take that from yourself. And another thing, do not put your body and health at risk because a certain image you want to portray. Remember, everyone’s lifestyle and body shape is so different. Those girls in the mags don’t even look like the girls in the mags…think about it. 

At the end of the day, what really matters?? A 6-pack? Because as far as I’m concerned, your body decomposes when you die. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for wanting to transform your body…it’s challenging and fun and good for your spirit – but to talk badly about yourself and others along the way isn’t going to get you to your results any quicker. Be kind, please.

I LOVE YOU.

Xo,

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When Exercise Does More Harm than Good

I don’t know if I liked reading this 4 weeks prior to my marathon.. But hey, whatevs

TIME

Americans as a whole don’t exercise enough—at least that’s what the latest studies show—and so the message is clear: get more active, take walks, Let’s Move! Basically anything is better than sitting on the couch. But how much exercise is enough? That’s a hotly debated question for which experts still don’t have a satisfactory answer. But given that most of us are starting from a sedentary position, the assumption has long been the more the better.

But in a report published Monday in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology researchers from Denmark say that people who push their bodies too hard may essentially undo the benefit of exercise. Those who ran at a fast pace more than four hours a week for more than three days a week had about the same risk of dying during the study’s 12-year follow up as those who were sedentary and hardly…

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Patience, young Skywalker

Ahh, the good ole materialism, and the bliss it brings us!

Oh, how I wish I was joking.

This past week, I’ve been dealing with the whole “leasing a car” dilemma. And although (based on my spirituality) it shouldn’t be stressing me out, it really has been. Let me tell you, the car I’ve been setting my sights on is a beautiful and luxurious car. It’s been really easy to fall in love with it.

To give you guys a little background, I haven’t had a car in over a year, due to being young, naive, and moving out..so wanting a car has been more apparent than ever before as of late.

Being that I work in a car dealership, the guys I work with want to see me in this car probably more than I do, so the temptation has been real.. TO SAY THE LEAST! My guys worked for two days with our partnered finance company to get me approved. And the waiting game for this process was so crucial on my immature soul! I have a bad habit of getting my hopes high for things like this, to where all my thoughts are consumed with what I wish to happen (yes, all for a new car). I would go running and all I could think about is driving that beauty. I wouldn’t even be focusing on my run, nor would I be in the moment, and it even resulted in me slightly straining a connective muscle from my knee to my hip.

I didn’t realize at the time that I was so caught up in a possession, that I was risking my mental and physical health.

Well, after long hours at the dealership, I was approved for the car and I was so ecstatic. Yeah, I would be car-broke for a while…along with a 3-year commitment to something that doesn’t even have a heart or a brain.

So…I didn’t sign the agreement. Needless to say the insurance quotes I was given were sky high as well, so that made my decision way easier, yet I was still bummed to say the least. I was hurt because I had been building up so much love and energy for this vehicle, and for the moment of driving it off the lot with a huge smile on my face. I got my hopes up, and I was for sure let down.

However, I learned a HUGE lesson through all this..and gained a new philosophy. I learned to (as I have actually learned before) to keep my expectations at a strong 0, and let the cards fall as they may, especially when it comes to materialistic things (I mean, getting upset over not getting a car, really?! How shallow can I get?). IT CAN ALWAYS BE MUCH WORSE!!! Also, I had a great support system behind me to keep my spirits up and I am forever grateful for that. Things come and go, and I am very proud of myself for being brave enough to jump on that opportunity – I believe a better one will come my way anyway (my best friend reminded me of this).

The philosophy I came up with throughout this process was that, living in this human existence, we are meant to love and play, and not take things seriously. Sincerely, yes – we always want to be real and truthful – but lighthearted nonetheless. I was reminded of my spirituality and my soul because of this event, and I am just so thankful for everything I DO have in my life..and I am still in love with the life I live.

Thank you

Love you all

Xo,

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Xo

Gleaming with glitter,

His skin made time stand still.

Gleaming with glitter,

His energy gave my soul something to feel.

Something emotions alone can’t derive from,

He has a heart made of gold.

Deep in his spirit is where my darkness is being dragged to,

He yearns to show me his light with my body to hold.

In the darkness where the candles flicker and the silence is heard,

And where our bodies play on clouds,

My depths are his,

His everything is mine.

I kiss his demons,

And I have nothing to hide.

What I’m Listening To Pt. 3

Love it..and love you!

Black Girl New Continent

Here’s what I’ve been listening to. Some of it’s new, some of it is old.

Whatever it is, I hope there’s something you like

 Happy Listening!

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Ellie Goulding — Love Me Like You Do

New.Ellie.Hell.Yes

Beyonce — 7/11

Because I know you care

Coldplay — Miracles 

City & Colour — Sleeping Sickness 

Little Dragon — Sunshine

Shout out to my homies back home

Gwen Stefani — Baby Don’t Lie

She’s baaaack

D’Angelo — Really Love 

As John Mayer said it: ‘Thank you, D’Angelo.’ This album is amazing

Hozier — From Eden

I’m calling it. He’s going to blowwww up (even though he’s already big time)  Seriously people, familiarize yourself with this man. His music ‘style’ is eclectic (my kinda man) and his voice is phenomenal. And he looks pretty damn good as well. 

Sia — Elastic Heart

I’ve been obsessed with Maddie Ziegler since Ron showed me Sia’s Chandelier video….WATCHING HER…

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I LOVE YOU!

You know what absolutely kills my heart nowadays more than ever? It’s the lack of passion. The lack of passion that I hear, see, and FEEL from my fellow humans.

You guys, passion is what draws our emotions out..passion is what leads us to our destinies, what leads us to our true loves, and most importantly leads us to ourselves. Our true selves. PASSION is what gives us VISION, gives us the drive to fulfill that vision..and what I love about passion the most is that it really allows us to connect with one another, even strangers, on some wild, out of this world plane of understanding that we cannot explain. So why are we so afraid of this?

Today while answering the phones at work, I had a man thank me so passionately just for transferring his call..he said it with honest gratitude. And not only did I hear it in his voice, I felt the “thank you” through the phone as a feeling..It was amazing. He was focused on the conversation at hand, and so in the moment. And I sat there in awe. I told myself, “this is what I’ve been missing. This is what the WORLD is missing.” I was so thankful for his passion, I couldn’t wait to pay it forward.

A few minutes later as I’m scrolling on Instagram, I couldn’t help but start to get a little irritated. At first I didn’t know why, and so I kept scrolling, then it hit me: I see the same things and pictures every day on this damn thing. And what made it worse, I am no better!! But the real answer as to why I was feeling irritated for the continuous scrolling and repeated posts, was that this whole superficial social-media world lacks passion!! Yes, I understand, a good amount of people use apps like such to project their passions, and advertise themselves – hell, I do the same thing. It’s a good tactic. Yet, I can’t help but feel responsible for my fellow brothers and sisters in the depths of my empathetic soul..and have this need to smack them around a little bit and tell them forget the social media!! Forget the filters and forget the attention for just a little less a week.. find some time to quiet your mind and find or create what really makes you smile! Find the good things that make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck!! Find the things that give you chills and almost tears to your eyes when you close your eyelids and picture you in this visualization!! That picture is YOU! This is where your heart and soul derive!! How can you deny your self of such things!!

And when you find this passion, you will feel yourself become more passionate with every waking moment of the day.. you’re in love with your life

I’m pretty sure I have given this advice before.

Put down the fast food, put down the cellphone, breathe in that beautiful oxygen (did you forget you’re breathing?!), feel your heart beat, and be in your dream – make your dream be YOU.

Love you all.

Xo,

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Outlet pt. II

I am pretty positive I saved my life last night. I have no more patience for allowing unnecessary funky attitudes – I’m losing days and opportunities by allowing myself to have negative vibrations.

I don’t know what got into me, but this New Year is hitting me harder than any New Year before. 2014 for sure has a special place in my heart… I’ve learned, and I’ve learned to UNDERSTAND in 2014. Every ounce in my body, cellular to molecular, believes that there is more to life and the worry, lack of confidence, routine ways. And I am ready to fight for that belief with my mind, my physical, and my soul.

It will be a year of daily positive affirmations, and more DOING, LESS talking. Excuses do not exist, nothing exists but strength, love and truth. And it’s already begun.

Xo,

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Outlet

One for my feelings, I guess…

I know they’re here, I just suppose I do a great job at hiding them – but that hasn’t gotten be very far.

If I need to change anything before a reinvention for a new year, it has to be to balance myself (ultimately) between feeling & intellect. I just get so stuck…I have a belief. And this belief that in order to progress, one must be positive, for we are eternal positive beings. And with this belief, I get so wrapped up in trying to decipher whether my words or intentions are positive or negative…

I guess you can say I get stumbled on this (although I should always instinctively know) because I have a hard time accepting the fact that feelings, too, help progress…

I’ve gotten my heart broken, a total of two times. Of course both heartbreaks didn’t give me the SAME feeling, they gave me similar mental processes and feelings, so I subconsciously tried to take my feelings away – they seem to just get me in trouble.

Growing up, I was real sensitive and emotional. Of course, I would get talked down on or picked on because of my ways, so naturally, I got rid of my feelings. Sometimes nowadays, I feel I don’t even know myself cause I catch myself truly not caring.

I think today I am coming to the realization that PRETENDING to NOT HAVE FEELINGS will indubitably worsen my troubles.

I would love to work on balancing my feelings and intellect as my New Year’s Resolution…feeling how I feel, accepting how I feel, and if it ends up being negative: CHANGE IT. DO MORE, SAY LESS.

2015 is ours, hand in hand we need to stand to rise above negativity we pull into our souls, and allow to darken our days.. I have so much faith in our humanity, despite the horrors happening currently. So long we try our best to quiet the outside noise, and continue to LOVE, we can rise above anything. And first, I must heal myself before I begin working on the next human..I got you, nonetheless.

Love you all