It’s been a long nine months…
However, the ending of it kind of just flashed before my eyes. Now my eyes are set on a beautiful baby girl, and my life has changed.
I paused my blogging about 8 months ago, when I first was pregnant. It was unintentional, I just didn’t feel good physically for a while. I also had paused school – night classes were not the most fun with night sickness. Don’t get me wrong though, I thought about my blog daily…sometimes more than once. I just never took the time to write out my days and thoughts – although it would’ve been more than good for me – and probably blamed it on hormones.
What was great about the whole experience of finding out that I was pregnant, was knowing my best friend was pregnant too. Both of us had unexpected news, but the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.
Pregnancy was interesting. It started off with a lot of mixed emotions and random sickness, so it was a nice transition to feel blissful tummy growing and the feeling of flutters inside of it that didn’t belong to me – but belonged to beautiful innocence. It wasn’t long into the pregnancy that I fell in love. Already it was a different kind of love. I had no idea what this new human looked like, all I knew was the feeling of its spirit. I felt urges of consciousness throughout my body. I had a better understanding of right from wrong, a more direct sense of self, something I had no idea I lacked so much still (even after practicing meditation, writing, and running so much).
A fond memory I have of the pregnancy was finding out the sex. A lot of people thought I was having a boy – or hoping so, like my boyfriend/baby’s father. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want a boy too, however my heart thought differently.
We had the whole gang together ready to find out what gender this baby was! There was so much love! Even my pregnant best friend was present, and she was the one who was scanning my pelvis to bless us with the news. The news presented to us was that our angel was in fact a girl…my eyes filled with water, my heart tightened with love, and my mind eased because, well, I think I knew all along I was having a girl.
We decided to name her Zoe Ryan-Marie Daily. Her daddy picked out the first name, and I put together her middle name. Ryan is the name of a close family friend who was like a cousin to me, that passed away when I was 17. We hyphenated Marie, because that middle name belongs to my mom, Jamall’s mom, and myself. We later discovered that her first name actually means LIFE in Greek. Little did I know she was really going to live up to that name…
Later on in the pregnancy my patience was running short, my tolerance was lower, and man oh man my hormones were through the roof! I couldn’t wait to meet this little angel who’s been growing inside of me, letting me create her, and love her in ways some people can never experience.
The night before Zoe was to come, I slept for maybe three hours. The way I felt was different than anxiety…it kind of kept me in the moment. I was tracking every thought, and almost every thought was probably disbelief what was about to happen. It almost felt like a normal day, but with an odd vibration to it.
The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the hospital bed with Jamall right next to me – he didn’t leave my side the whole experience. Time felt like it was going incredibly slow, but at the same time I am sitting here five days later wondering where time has went.
The nurses that took care of me before and during the operation were amazing. They spoke to me while I was getting numbed, when the numbness made me vomit with my oxygen mask on, and when the doctors started to cut me all open like a lab experiment – fun times.
The one that really had their eyes and heart on me though, was Jamall. He was sitting right next to my head, keeping his eyes locked in mine while I felt the tugging and pressing in my upper stomach to push the baby out of the incision. And those moments felt like a lifetime. I knew what was happening with every tug, yet I couldn’t grasp it. I was confused all of a sudden why we were there. Then we hear “Welcome Zoe.”
Jamall looked over the short curtain instantly, then right back at me. I probably said something to him in disbelief, but I can’t remember. I hear her cry. I hear Jamall tell me: “Baby, she has black hair.” My heart is full. This isn’t real.
I look anxiously at the table they brought my daughter to clean her off at, and I see her leg. This isn’t real. I ask Jamall multiple times if this was real, and all I could hear come form him were little noises of amazement and “Oh my god.” He was in love. And me, I’m crying so hard the doctor couldn’t finish stitching me up until I calmed myself down. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. The room was practically spinning, and the only thing I now had focus on was this beautiful baby girl that was on my chest feeling my first kisses on her cheek. I was dying that I couldn’t move my arms to hold her.
This. Isn’t. Real.
I have a baby…I never thought my heart could physically feel so full. I feel love for her on levels in my body, mind, and spirit that I never knew could exist. And for that, I promise her my absolute protection, my unconditional love, and my undivided attention. I want my eyes always to be looking at her, I want my ears to always be listening to her, and my heart to always be beating for her. I love you, my Zoe.
I couldn’t have had a baby with anyone greater, either. Not only does he love me beyond any condition, he loves our daughter more than the heart can feel. He’s here. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – he’s here. For me. For us. I love my little family.
A day later, my best friend has her baby boy, also healthy and ready to be welcomed to the world with love. My whole heart is full, my world is blessed.
Thank you, Universe, for the blessings and love you continuously give me.