One for my feelings, I guess…

I know they’re here, I just suppose I do a great job at hiding them – but that hasn’t gotten be very far.

If I need to change anything before a reinvention for a new year, it has to be to balance myself (ultimately) between feeling & intellect. I just get so stuck…I have a belief. And this belief that in order to progress, one must be positive, for we are eternal positive beings. And with this belief, I get so wrapped up in trying to decipher whether my words or intentions are positive or negative…

I guess you can say I get stumbled on this (although I should always instinctively know) because I have a hard time accepting the fact that feelings, too, help progress…

I’ve gotten my heart broken, a total of two times. Of course both heartbreaks didn’t give me the SAME feeling, they gave me similar mental processes and feelings, so I subconsciously tried to take my feelings away – they seem to just get me in trouble.

Growing up, I was real sensitive and emotional. Of course, I would get talked down on or picked on because of my ways, so naturally, I got rid of my feelings. Sometimes nowadays, I feel I don’t even know myself cause I catch myself truly not caring.

I think today I am coming to the realization that PRETENDING to NOT HAVE FEELINGS will indubitably worsen my troubles.

I would love to work on balancing my feelings and intellect as my New Year’s Resolution…feeling how I feel, accepting how I feel, and if it ends up being negative: CHANGE IT. DO MORE, SAY LESS.

2015 is ours, hand in hand we need to stand to rise above negativity we pull into our souls, and allow to darken our days.. I have so much faith in our humanity, despite the horrors happening currently. So long we try our best to quiet the outside noise, and continue to LOVE, we can rise above anything. And first, I must heal myself before I begin working on the next human..I got you, nonetheless.

Love you all



Beautiful energy is surging through my veins and bouncing off every physical object in this room right now!! I couldn’t help but share it with every one of you who reads/doesn’t read this post!!


So, the holidays are among us..and at the beginning of the season, I wasn’t too sure how I felt about this.. my beliefs of God, Jesus, the bible, religion as a whole, has changed drastically in the past year. And when I say my beliefs have done a 180 degree turn, please don’t take this as Atheism in any shape or form. One day I’ll come back and explain my type of spirituality, in hopes of linking with like minded beautiful human beings! One love…

Anyway, the holidays!! I am excited nonetheless. I am excited to be with my family, to regroup and count the blessings each of us have had this past year, and simply vibe. The one thing I cannot deny about this time of year is the genuine energy that gets fed from one another..and the love we give and receive from opening our hearts in this time of generosity & becoming humble. I respect the concept of Christmas, and the morals it holds, no matter the religion/spirituality one might believe in or live by. 🙂

Another thing, I am beginning to believe this time of year is a time of ultimate understanding.. Though we should hold an open mind and try to understand every single day, we need to really start understanding things when the year winds down and we become a little more grateful than usual..for this is when we are more vulnerable. | Of course I have hopes of us as a whole, that we will carry this vulnerability throughout each day of the years to come.. | We need to understand the way things and people work, and understand how blessed we are and how much of a blessing we are in return. One important thing (I believe) we need to understand is that everyone has a story.. Everyone has a background, a past, no matter how dark.. and we need to understand that love is the true way to understand the next person..unconditional, understanding, open love. Whether it be your enemy, your spouse, or the homeless man on the sidewalk with no shelter during this cold time. UNDERSTAND, we are all brothers and sisters in this mysterious, breathtaking universe… And you never know what depth of someone’s soul you will lighten by being the loving you that you are!!

Have a happy holidays my loves, let your soul be recognized..


Said I wasn’t gonna blog til after the holidays, but I couldn’t resist. So here’s a little something I wanted to comment on from Socrates.

“When I had failed in the contemplation of true existence, I felt I ought to be careful not to lose the eye of my soul.” -Socrates


By “the eye of the soul”, I want to believe that Socrates is speaking on being aware of the current moment, and being genuinely happy in it (happiness – is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy). And by being truly happy in the moment, awareness of your consciousness must be in full effect. One must be self-aware of his existence, where he is, and just happy to be alive as a human; breathing, smiling, seeing, feeling, etc. I personally can conclude that by being human, one can lose sight of existence by being worrisome of past events, and future events that haven’t occurred yet. In Socrates’ defense, I feel I can safely assume he was questioning what it TRULY MEANS to exist – with questions derived as such: “Am I really here?” “Am I dreaming?” “Am I really dead or alive?” “Is this an illusion?” (I came up with these questions assumingly, simply because they have been the same questions that have floated around in my head) – And that’s okay. We are MEANT to question, just as much as we are MEANT to believe. I truly believe we are here to do whatever it is we want to do, and in full-force, let’s just make it positive.  So, I have respect for Socrates. The reason for my respect, is because he can question true existence and accept when he is confused with this understanding  – yet he kept his mind, heart, and ‘eye’ open to what (I believe) makes him exist right here, right now…and that is his SOUL. Bravo, Socrates.

Under Construction…

I’ve been running around in my mind, which seems to be a bit aimless. I know I have been in such a transition lately, and when it seems like everything is getting better, I set my hopes too high to realize that I start having doubts way before my successes or upcomings are set in my stone. My patience and discipline needs to be worked on a lot more, or else I will continue to overwhelm myself with debts, stresses, lack of energy…I need to gather up my confidence and relax. Everything. I will be away from blogging for a little while, away from certain goals, and just live. Live and let live. I will come back to share experiences and what I’ve learned, and of course failures as well.. I want to share everything, in that manner, with the world. I want to express my failures and shortcomings to show that being human, is okay. It’s okay. It always will be. To make it to our next level of life, or whatever you believe in, I feel although we aren’t MEANT to fail, it’s one of the tactics we use against ourselves to become stronger. I, for one, learn the hard way. I trust that with my writings next time I am on here, I will be able to be of some help or inspiration, with new philosophies and words to do such.

I need to regain my passion for life.

Stay up.



Day dreaming.

I was just gazing off into the sky for what it seems like for ever..

I paid all of my bills today. I even paid a credit card bill early. I have money in my savings, I’m okay.

I’m taking deep breaths to relax. I’m walking outside to look at the clouds.

I don’t even know where my mind is at. I feel I should be stressing about my bills, but they’re paid. Then I feel I should be stressing because of how much less I have now, but everything is taken care of. My money is showing for important things.

Then I had an epiphany – this is the transition I have been dreading my whole life. I’m growing up. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been working & paying bills since the age of 17 (5 1/2 years), and have been moved out of my parents’ house for a little over 6 months…so I mean I guess I’ve been grown..but my mentality has always strayed..and swayed..from certain responsibilities. I hate them..I love fun way too much.

However, today I caught myself WANTING to pay off everything, and even get ahead.. I caught myself making better decisions when asked to hangout, go out, etc… and quite honestly, I’m still in shock so I don’t even know if I like this knew mentality or not. I have always been the impatient type, the “LIVE IN THE MOMENT” type..the money doesn’t matter type. I want to jump up & down with excitement like, LET’S DO SOMETHING CRAZY!!

And although I have some amazing memories with having that mentality – I am coming to the acceptance and understanding that reserving & becoming more responsible feels a little better than the spontaneity for once – fun will always be there. I just have to learn to create fun within the responsibilities. I am loving this new found respect for myself …& for my future.

I have been dreading becoming a grown up for EVER. But I mean, I guess I can deal with a balance… I will forever be a kid at heart. But now it’s really time to have my heart & mind set on the vision of my future – be in acceptance that I am good, ALWAYS..I don’t NEED anything. I love reminding myself to stay good, so I can help my loved ones when needed. Success is ours, just keep that pretty head on straight.

Run Forrest, Go Forrest..

I love my mom – not only is she a runner, she has always had a way with words. Growing up, even to this day, she would always remind me that “life is a marathon, not a sprint.” Little did I know how relevant this quote would be in my life…

I have always been impatient..ALWAYS. Whether it be regarding getting my homework completed, getting to a certain destination, or waiting to get a phone call returned – nothing ever seemed to move quickly enough! I was always getting frustrated, and I also always seemed to be running late – I was never in sync with, or trusted, the timing of our beautiful universe.

It was when I started running that I found a meditation, a centering phenomena. When I run, it’s just me out there..me, myself, & I. Nothing but my mind, body and soul all working together in harmony to just PUSH myself. My SELF. And I did just that, I kept pushing. Every time I wanted to run, I wanted to go further & have a quicker time.

That was my largest mistake…I ended up pushing my body and my mind into overdrive. My soul wanted to be the very best at these runs, and with me taking myself way too seriously, I got bored. I even hurt myself. However, I knew deep down that running & spending that quality time with mySELF is my true love.. the push, the courage, the diligence, the strength, the vulnerability..it’s all me. So I signed up for my first full-marathon. It was the Long Beach Marathon, and yes, I signed up for the full 26.2 miles (mind you the furthest I have ever ran previously to this was half, 13 .1 miles). I wanted to do something I’ve never done before, with a whole new energy, in hopes of recovering my love for running as well as my own spirit for life itself.. & I did just that.

And my mom’s quote kept popping up in my head.. “LIFE IS A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT.” Man oh man… did that help.

The start of the race was 6am, and I had a goal to complete all 26.2 miles by 12:30pm.. a total of 6 hours & 30 minutes. My goal was set here, because I didn’t believe in myself to have a quicker time, due to listening to outside noise that “it would be crazy to have a 6 hour marathon time as your first marathon time”. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And throughout the whole race, I kept a steady pace. I had my focus on seeing myself crossing that finish line, I kept making sure my roommate/best friend Amanda was doing good (she was running the half, and started about 2 1/2 hours after I did), and I kept thinking….this is a marathon, not a sprint.  I breathed in,  and breathed out every couple of steps. You always want to make sure you control & focus well on your breathing no matter what task you are handling in life. 

Although I was aware of HOW FAR I STILL HAD TO GO, I kept reminding myself of how far I’ve came to every. single. moment that was passing. Let me tell you, you truly learn how to live in the moment when you are pushing your most truest self past any type of limit or uncomfortable boundary! Every single second counts, and all you want to do is keep progressing forward. And still, when I would get a little stiff (or even emotional) along my run, I would just focus and SEE myself crossing that finish line, and BELIEVED in myself..no matter how many more miles I still had to defeat.

I would be lying if I said this event wasn’t challenging..

It was tear jerking, mind calming, body surging, leg cramping, motivating, wonderful, and tough all at the same time – and so much more. And I kept reminding myself, life is a marathon..not a sprint. THIS IS A MARATHON, not a sprint. So I kept taking my time, and with that image of finishing in my head, I found myself enjoying every single step I jogged, every single breath I took, every drop of sweat I would wipe off of my face – it was just me, myself, & I, among thousands of other people taking the same challenge, same path, yet different journey. This whole challenge is a mind thing  – I promise! 

I was getting close to finishing (around 20 miles completed, 6.2 to go) and my roommate & I were checking up on one another – she had 3 miles left. I was vulnerable, I felt strong, and I couldn’t believe what her & I both had ALREADY accomplished without even being finished yet. Goodness I was so proud of her (mind you, she didn’t have the proper training either, I kinda/sorta threw her in this marathon!). People were outside of their houses passing out tissues, as if I wasn’t emotional enough, and that for sure hit some spot in my soul to want to cry more ha ha. I was almost there…

Mile 26. I had 0.2 to go.. I snapped a picture of the mile marker & headed down the last stretch with everything left I had inside of me.. I heard & saw my mom leaning over the fence along with my cousin Cindy (also a half-marathon finisher), I heard the announcer say my name & congratulate me, I heard & saw my best friend Deanna scream my name with Amanda (my roomie/half-marathon finisher), I looked up at my time, & I just about lost it – I finished in 5 hours & 50 minutes. I beat my goal by 40 minutes to the dot. Wow. Here come the tears..

Crossing that finish line was everything I was imagining it to be..and so much more. I truly have no words to describe feeling. I feel as if I have a new-found love for my true self, as well as for my supporters and fellow runners. This run took my pride to a whole new level – but in a good way. I have more respect for myself and others, I even feel I have more of an open mind. And I  FOR SURE have a new-found happiness – I can really do anything.

Accomplishing something, big or small, feels extremely good. When it seems like the impossible, that is when I advise you take the challenge – get uncomfortable, let your guard down to your SELF, face your fears with absolutely no mask on, and just go.. take your time, TRUST your time, believe you are good right here right now, and that you always will be..love your SELF. No matter how much support you have, or lack, you is all you have. Watch yourself GROW along this marathon of a life – for that is where growth, prosperity, and happiness lies – in the J O U R N E Y.




I get asked quite a few times how to meditate..and although I meditate very often, I always catch myself getting stuck on a response – I try to give a simple description but I feel like I’m cutting the magic short.. HOWEVER I ALSO feel as if I were to give it too much, it will defeat the purpose of quieting your mind. And I, personally, cannot STAND too much description or being told what to do.

So, here is my definition of meditation..(I wrote this back in June in a journal of mine)


Breathe in, breathe out. Still your mind.. quiet your thoughts, yet be aware of your surroundings. Be connected. Let your soul sail, and keep your imagination in a trance. REMEMBER: There are no rules to what you see in your mind, feel in your heart, and what accomplish with your EVERYTHING. Focus on stillness..the here and now. You’re existing in this very moment. This moment is perfect – because you exist in it. You’re perfect because you exist. Your existence is inevitable. Lose track of time – it does not exist. Let go of worry, pain, fear, anger, and pride, for they also do not exist. You’re blessed in abundance. You, too, are also a blessing. Imagine yourself in your most wild, unrealistic dreams. That’s what your heart loves, more than desires. And your entire being loves those dreams for a reason. You’re achieving those dreams, nothing is stopping you. Inhale your passion, and exhale the serenity of the amazing vibration your soul holds. Breathe in, and breathe out. Your energy is flowing and your soul is GOLDEN. Your heart is kind. Keep radiating the blessed energy, it’s vibrating off your skin to the outside world. You exist right here and right now, you’re perfect.



Gratitude vs. attitude

I have been struggling with this sense of desire..of anything I do not possess or own. Ever since I was aware of my conscience, I have had desire. And my whole life, I’ve always wondered if I was the only one..

And it wasn’t until recently, I had to shake things up a bit..

I was ranting about something to my coworker, and told him how I wanted sushi. When he replied to me: “How does it feel to want?”  – I almost got defensive, and gave him a little bit of attitude, but then the question itself made me completely speechless – I never thought about asking myself something like that before. And when I really sat and thought about it, “wanting” something really doesn’t feel good…neither does desire. Sure the thought of owning or possessing something gives us a temporary high, but what happens after we obtain the object? …….the high goes away.

In my opinion, possession isn’t love, neither is desire – it’s a form of lust and it usually doesn’t last longer than being a temporary high. I feel we, as humans, want and desire things because we fear things (including people) are limited – that if we don’t get our paws on what we want RIGHT NOW, then it’s a lost cause… FALSE. This universe is a loving one, and so long you know you deserve what your soul thrives toward, you must believe it will make its way to YOU.

What I’ve come to practice nowadays is, practicing gratitude. Finding ultimate happiness with the way I feel inside, whenever I desire or want something…there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for – even the very breath you’re taking right now. Let time & magnetism be on your side, and realize..you, as a GOD more so than a HUMAN, already own everything on this planet!! Without me even having to break it down for you, we are all connected by the spirit – no matter where you feel the higher power/spirit comes from, we are all steadily connected by it, like infinity strings.

When you come to an understanding with your SELF, you become happy..this I promise you. And you will not even have a want/need/desire in your life other than MORE happiness..and you can’t help but want to share it with everyone else in the world..every one becomes your brother and/or sister..and possessions are no more.

You will also find things come into your life that might stay, or might not stay – but it’s nothing to fret about, because with gratitude overflowing from your pores, you will want to set your loved ones/items free to share the light and happiness.

Sounds corny, I know, but it’s soo true. You are infinite, as are your possibilities to obtain what your soul is working toward – LIVE AND LET LIVE. PROSPER IN HAPPINESS AND WATCH IT COME BACK TO YOU, MULTIPLIED. Let it go..



When darkness falls.

Last night, I connected. Last night, I was enlightened. Last night, I felt in place..balanced..buzzing and lifted yet grounded and down to earth.

I met with a few friends (a beautiful couple) that I went to high school with. I was drinking a chamomile tea, and Kristyn was drinking a hemp/honey latte while Steven was content as is.The purpose of us meeting was to discuss ideas, goals, and upcoming successes in our lives, how much we’ve changed since high school, and where our spirituality stands. The idea for us to meet came about from desire to do motivational speaking, and reaching out to humanity to spread love & enlightenment. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a LITTLE nervous meeting with them for the first time since 2010, only because I have a slight fear of the unknown. But let me tell you, all of that went out the window when I came in contact with them – their energy was out of this world. Instantly we connected, and had chaining conversations that were filled with substance and emotion, spirit and intellect. Instantly my ego was put away, my fear was shot, and I felt so OPEN. I would use the word vulnerable – but I no longer see openness as vulnerability. I see it as rawness; being real..especially after last night.

I learned a lot from these two, a little about Hinduism, a little about the New Age Movement,  and a little about religion – then a lot about the SELF.

The three of us thrive on the belief that our worlds, our universes, and our higher power comes from within – the spirit – the Self. And we want to start (or continue if you believe it already has begun) a revolution based on love. We want to dig deep in the souls of our brothers and sisters (all of you) and find the dark places..the uttermost fearsome places within yourself..bring it out in the open and just love you, as we love ourselves. We all have flaws, we all have faults, we all have mishaps and we all “sin” apparently. However, the more there is a focus on these negative attributes, where does the good come in?

We want to show and enlighten everyone that we as humans can bring these to the light, and it is MORE than possible to accept and love your being..and that flaws aren’t really flaws, they’re your birth traits. That another human literally has no say-so about who you are – that part is up to YOU! How incredible is that? I personally feel we are observers on this planet, experiencing life. And how you perceive your here & now, is how you are going to dictate your future. And to create an amazing future, without the materialism, greed, hatred, ego, and selfishness, we must dig deep and rid our golden souls of this darkness. Get rid of judgement of the next human and you’ll feel your happiness prosper.

Now I must say, I love the dark. I love wearing black, I love the nighttime, all of it – I’m a tad obsessed actually. But the reason I feel I love it so much, is because it gives you a chance to be creative. It gives you a chance to create your own light in such a whimsical place..

When I was younger I was afraid of the dark – because it was unknown; unmarked, undefined territory. The I meditated last night in complete darkness, after meeting & speaking with Kristyn & Steven about unmarked, undefined territory in our world – and that was when I then became unafraid. It was just me, myself & I in a complete dark room and I have never felt more ALIVE. I heard my breathing so well, I could almost see it through my closed eyelids. My mind went to a place I have never been before, & I was at peace. I opened my eyes, and yes my eyes were probably adjusted to the darkness by then but I could SEE. I could FEEL. On a plane that was more than just physical – I faced my fear and I was sitting there with nothing to feel but LOVE. I was radiating light. And I feel, among other things, that is the purpose we are meant to create in this life. Last night, I connected. Last night, I was enlightened.

When push comes to judge, let it all go. It’s false.

Ego might come hand in hand with your spirit, because it conveys originality, yet one shall not determine his future & be limited to his ego.

Love, and find your light in the dark.



Pressing words..

So, part of my self disciplinary promises to myself today is to write a blog..and all morning I’ve had this nagging sensation of “WHAT am I going to write about?!”

I want to write about pride, I want to write about ego, I want to write about fear..& the list goes on. But what’s hurting me, is that I have NO clue as to where I should begin – well, obviously I started now – but you get the point.

So then I made a decision, to take it to a personal level; I feel I cannot rant about fear, courage, pride, etc. without taking you guys on trip inside MY mind. I am going to quote, copy & paste something I rambled about a few months back.. on one of those days where I had to just write..write every track of thought that was whirling around in my crazy mind. And the reason I chose to do this is because I had sort of the same emotion going on that day as I do today. I hope you guys enjoy – and please take something positive from it.

“I really don’t know where to start; I am so jumbled up at the moment. I have feelings of anxiety, hurt, sadness, false happiness, hope, faith, oh man I can go on and on. And I feel like writing this is going to be the absolute only way I can vent as my true self and release whatever it is I need to release. I can have this be a free write to clear this cloudy brain of mine. And yet I still don’t know where to start. I guess I can start off with preaching like every other human on this planet about how I want more money, clothes, cars, etc. but for some reason, there’s no fulfillment in that..I’m yearning for something more. Genuine happiness. I’m on a pursuit and I don’t want to stop when I get there. Yet, I am confused. I am so confused on my true beliefs, what’s wrong from right, what’s true and false, what to trust and what not to trust…sometimes I just don’t know. And because of that, I (I hate to use this word) suffer. And not in any dramatic means, because I always tend to make ends meet, but inside – there’s always a battle. There’s always this little voice telling me that I am unworthy, I am irresponsible, and that I lack compassion. And on top of all that, I’m selfish. So where do I go from there? How do I reverse these curses? How do I go from icy cold to warm and loving? Now I’m stuck. I got stuck without words, because I don’t even know how all of these traits came about…was I born with them? Are they truly me? Was I emotionally attacked when I was younger? But there has been so much worse done to other people on this planet to where I know I need to be so undoubtedly GRATEFUL for my childhood and past. I need to keep reminding myself of all the good things. Another thing I need to remind myself is the faults and mistakes I made in the past that hurts my future, to keep me from doing it again – I tend to make mistakes like a fulltime job. And now I feel like I am throwing a pity party HA HA. I don’t know everything. I don’t know ANYTHING for that matter…and I wish for more wisdom. I wish for patience and learn to keep my mouth closed and heart open.  I wish for the gift of true compassion and to look way further than materials and outer looks – what do those matter anyway? Of course I want to keep myself up and tidy, for more personal reasons, but I have to come to a realization that they don’t mean everything……or anything for that matter. It’s all for fun. I wish to keep my eyes open, all three, and to TRULY realize everyone has their own universe and problems going on – regardless of how I feel about problems, not everyone (maybe even anyone) has the same beliefs as me so I cannot force them on these people. Instead I must love them and their worlds in order to be at peace. I have to learn to ask more questions, let people share with me their opinions and beliefs to get to know them more, and to broaden my perspectives…even if it’s just about where their favorite pizza spot is. I must learn to empower my brothers’ and sisters’ positive strengths and attributes, as opposed to shunning them due to their weaknesses. We’re all strong, with weak spots. And that’s okay. I must accept this – and accept it firmly. I must live with truth, no matter how ugly it is. Even if it’s hard turning it pretty, hard work and working out of my stupid little comfort zone will help me too, I believe. And in life, I should stop using “I” so much – life isn’t about me. It’s about we. It’s about us. We thrive on love. I wish for love, have high hopes for love, and we should all believe in love. No more selfishness. I love you.”