So, part of my self disciplinary promises to myself today is to write a blog..and all morning I’ve had this nagging sensation of “WHAT am I going to write about?!”
I want to write about pride, I want to write about ego, I want to write about fear..& the list goes on. But what’s hurting me, is that I have NO clue as to where I should begin – well, obviously I started now – but you get the point.
So then I made a decision, to take it to a personal level; I feel I cannot rant about fear, courage, pride, etc. without taking you guys on trip inside MY mind. I am going to quote, copy & paste something I rambled about a few months back.. on one of those days where I had to just write..write every track of thought that was whirling around in my crazy mind. And the reason I chose to do this is because I had sort of the same emotion going on that day as I do today. I hope you guys enjoy – and please take something positive from it.
“I really don’t know where to start; I am so jumbled up at the moment. I have feelings of anxiety, hurt, sadness, false happiness, hope, faith, oh man I can go on and on. And I feel like writing this is going to be the absolute only way I can vent as my true self and release whatever it is I need to release. I can have this be a free write to clear this cloudy brain of mine. And yet I still don’t know where to start. I guess I can start off with preaching like every other human on this planet about how I want more money, clothes, cars, etc. but for some reason, there’s no fulfillment in that..I’m yearning for something more. Genuine happiness. I’m on a pursuit and I don’t want to stop when I get there. Yet, I am confused. I am so confused on my true beliefs, what’s wrong from right, what’s true and false, what to trust and what not to trust…sometimes I just don’t know. And because of that, I (I hate to use this word) suffer. And not in any dramatic means, because I always tend to make ends meet, but inside – there’s always a battle. There’s always this little voice telling me that I am unworthy, I am irresponsible, and that I lack compassion. And on top of all that, I’m selfish. So where do I go from there? How do I reverse these curses? How do I go from icy cold to warm and loving? Now I’m stuck. I got stuck without words, because I don’t even know how all of these traits came about…was I born with them? Are they truly me? Was I emotionally attacked when I was younger? But there has been so much worse done to other people on this planet to where I know I need to be so undoubtedly GRATEFUL for my childhood and past. I need to keep reminding myself of all the good things. Another thing I need to remind myself is the faults and mistakes I made in the past that hurts my future, to keep me from doing it again – I tend to make mistakes like a fulltime job. And now I feel like I am throwing a pity party HA HA. I don’t know everything. I don’t know ANYTHING for that matter…and I wish for more wisdom. I wish for patience and learn to keep my mouth closed and heart open. I wish for the gift of true compassion and to look way further than materials and outer looks – what do those matter anyway? Of course I want to keep myself up and tidy, for more personal reasons, but I have to come to a realization that they don’t mean everything……or anything for that matter. It’s all for fun. I wish to keep my eyes open, all three, and to TRULY realize everyone has their own universe and problems going on – regardless of how I feel about problems, not everyone (maybe even anyone) has the same beliefs as me so I cannot force them on these people. Instead I must love them and their worlds in order to be at peace. I have to learn to ask more questions, let people share with me their opinions and beliefs to get to know them more, and to broaden my perspectives…even if it’s just about where their favorite pizza spot is. I must learn to empower my brothers’ and sisters’ positive strengths and attributes, as opposed to shunning them due to their weaknesses. We’re all strong, with weak spots. And that’s okay. I must accept this – and accept it firmly. I must live with truth, no matter how ugly it is. Even if it’s hard turning it pretty, hard work and working out of my stupid little comfort zone will help me too, I believe. And in life, I should stop using “I” so much – life isn’t about me. It’s about we. It’s about us. We thrive on love. I wish for love, have high hopes for love, and we should all believe in love. No more selfishness. I love you.”